Canadian Lawyer

FEATURE CROSS EXAMINED 6 www.canadianlawyermag.com A PERSONAL RECKONING SPARKS REFORM Michael Herman's breakdown became a turning point for his career – and a catalyst for change at Canadian law firms AS GENERAL counsel at Gowling WLG (Canada) LLP, Michael Herman spent decades navigating the legal and corporate world, dealing with complex negotiations and high-stakes pressure. But in 2016, after a life- time of pushing through stress and anxiety, he found himself in a place he couldn't power through. What started as physical issues – atrial fibrillation, chronic fatigue, digestive problems – turned out to be symptoms of something deeper: severe depression. "I just hit a wall," he says. "I just had no energy. I had no ability to concentrate, no ability to even think." He initially took a short leave from work, assuming that rest and medical tests would fix what felt like burnout. "I'll get some rest ... and after a couple of months, I'll come back and everything will be fine," he thought. But when he returned, it quickly became clear he wasn't ready. "Within about a week, I knew." One morning on his balcony, coffee in hand, looking out over Toronto's Don Valley, a thought struck him: "What's the point?" he says. "And somehow, in that moment, I recognized that what I really was dealing with was not physical. The physical was a consequence of the emotional and the mental." It was a shattering realization – but one that set him on a new path. Recovery would be non- linear, slow, and deeply personal, but Herman started therapy, began taking medication, and developed new self-care routines. He found an approach that worked and, more importantly, he was able to stick to it. Breaking the silence Herman's relationship with mental health began long before 2016, but like many professionals, he didn't recognize the signs. "From a young age ... I suffered from mild to moderate depression from time to time, and did not really understand what was going on," he says. "The messages I got ... were that when you're having a difficult time, you just keep pushing through." That internalized belief – what he now calls self-stigma – was the first thing he had to confront. "I was one of these people who always said I don't stigmatize those who may have depression or anxiety or other mental health challenges," he says. "I don't hold it against them. I don't think any less of them. I don't think they're weak. I don't think they're incapable. What I didn't realize is that, when it came to me, I bought into [the stigma] completely... I was weak. I was to blame. I was not worthy of getting help." That belief turned into shame. "Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change," he says, quoting Brené Brown. "I had to begin with, how was I going to look at and work with that self- stigma and that shame… Not easy to do, but I had to do it." The decision to speak out As his health improved and he returned to work gradually, Herman made a promise to himself: if he made it back, he'd speak out. "I felt a certain responsibility to do it," he says. His other motivation was, "If I can influence, by talking about my experience, one person to not struggle in silence but to reach out for help, whatever that looks like for them, then that's a success." That opportunity came when his firm asked him to send out an email promoting a mental health initiative. The version they provided was polished – but not personal. If I can influence, by talking about my experience, one person to not struggle in silence but to reach out for help, whatever that looks like for them, then that's a success

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